A little over 2 years ago I had met a person on line who had a lot in common with myself. We arranged a meeting with our wife's at a neutral location. I at that time was not curtain if I was attracted to him and I'm sure the feeling was mutual. I had been looking for around 9 or 10 years for this type person and when finally meeting someone so close it was like a stroke of luck.
We talked on line and met at my home. Well after seeing him in person and how our interaction developed it was love at first sight for me. I really don't consider myself gay or Bi, but have become very open minded as Louise which has transferred to me as Lou. This person did inform me he was very Bi sexual and had a number of encounters which I informed him that I was not really into and preferred exclusivity, he said that would be difficult for him, so I have to admit I was walking on thin ice if I was to allow myself to get to involved. I do tend to be on the possessive side and was hoping by me satisfying all and any of his needs and being safe, clean, mature, stable (a matter of opinion) that I could win him over to being exclusive to me.
Anyway, I have voluntarily (as an armature photographer) taken thousands of pictures for him, taken he and his wife out in public for his first experience's so he could develop a comfort level in those environments, in a way I was his mentor. His presentation and appearance in my opinion was one of the best, a great figure and a good look and manners.
Over that time I had felt that he was developing very quickly to the point where he was no longer in need of our relationship, instead of him coming to me, and I realize his work constraints made if difficult, I would travel to him. But it was becoming painfully obvious I was losing someone who was very special to me. For example, he doesn't IM me any longer ( he used to almost daily) when I IM him he gives me one or to word replies ( yeah, busy), he makes many posts to Yahoo groups he monitors but has no time to say hello, how was your weekend or how do you feel?
They're are a lot of negative aspects to our relationship, but both our wives are aware of it but not to the full extent I suspect. Maybe I do it for sexual needs but my feelings are far beyond that, what his reasons are I think are more about the high or power he really has even though he claims to be a submissive.
The feelings I am experience now are that he is tired of me, to use his words when I questioned what happened with his other relationships was "we moved on" I have to assume that means he has moved on and is looking for others, for what reason I don't know, but I treat friends much differently, I like to share what I have and can hopefully do to add to there lives. I try not to ask for favors and I have to say my friend never really directly asked but did make suggestions as to things he would like or want to do. I did ask a favor though and even though he said he could help me with it he said or indicated it would take time and then he let it rest. I also just yesterday sent an IM for him to call if he would like to come down for the afternoon for dinner with his wife and child, not only didn't he respond to my IM but he never even called to say he couldn't which left me not knowing if he was or not. Yes I could have called him, but he did get my message and I had also mentioned it on Friday when he called me about a problem he had.
I also find it unsettling that he will make posts about things he has done and posts many of my pictures but has never given me recognition for all I have helped or done for him, maybe I'm on the wrong side of this, but it's not as if he is not looking for something that I gladly offer at anytime. Instead he is willing to travel uncharted waters with people of questionable back grounds or health history, even though he says his plays safe I do question that.
I always blame myself, people always tend to walk on me no matter what I try to do, I mentioned that to him the other day and he said without reservation or sensitivity "maybe I let them" well I guess when you offer your heart to someone you have to expect that, why would I expect someone to treat something I give with the same consideration I have for them.
I can only say in ending, I know I will not meet another person as this, it is my bad luck and even though I have memory's I still feel I have lost something I always wanted but couldn't have. I can only say, my heart is very broken, I wanted to give so much for this to work, to help me feel wanted, for me to give to someone all I could within reason. To me this was so much more than just an intimacy relationship, but maybe he felt I was getting to deep, I don't know. I know he is very capable of manipulating words, making things better or just dropping me and the whole subject, he seems to be non selective so anyone or thing is fine with him, where as I tend to be very selective so it's harder for me to develop what I'm looking for.
